and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
