let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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