I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
