Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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