I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
