Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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