I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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