3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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