She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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