32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
