When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
