he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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