I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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