grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
