Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
