He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
