I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
