This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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