Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
