Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
