FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
