9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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