All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
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