Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize