My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
