hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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