The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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