so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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