I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I AM VODKA MAN
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize