Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
