mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
