It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
