I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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