I wish life had little blips of pornography
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
