I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize