Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you traded sex for a burrito?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
last night I used snow as a chaser
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
