I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I want a musical about memes.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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