And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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