the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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