Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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