Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
