I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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