New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
