I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
