I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
