I haven't been this sober since birth.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
