i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
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