Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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