oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
