So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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