Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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