Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
