True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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