They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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