My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
