Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
