it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
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