I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
