we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
